Building walls pulling them down and putting them back up

Confidence has been knocked out of me this weekend, its all my fault because of how i deal and feel about others i know i should be careful and maybe not open up to the first people i meet or chat to. I would say 90% of my life ive kept myself to myself over time ive put up a brick wall and not let people get close to me or vise versa, iam not sur when this started i think it was when i was very young and when my grandad died who i was very close to and i think i decided after that that if i wasnt close to anyone then i wouldnt get hurt if anything happened to them, very selfish really. Since the heart attack an the shock of the blocked arterys its changed my thinking to be more open chat open a not really give a shit in someways, its not me but it has done me some good not to worry about the small things in life, its like that saying lifes to short ect.

Ive banged on about my heart an exercise also mention about trying to find someone to share a life with, its a strange one really sometimes i want someone and sometimes i think could i really cope with someone and could they cope with me. At the end of the day more than anything i would love someone to chat to share our lifes go out together and cuddle in the evenings, if thats not asking to much. I got chatting to someone fri eve on line who said all the right things (not sex chat) and was dead nice and kind and made me feel on top of the world and a person again, i really did feel young again and the happiest ive been for years. When i found out it was all not it seemed to be really did gut me the next day and just makes me want to build them walls again and cut people out my life.Like i said in the begining it was all my fault for being open and chatting to someone i didnt really know, the shame of it all is i end up trusting no one again and closing the doors to everybody in order to not get hurt and if that means spending the rest of my life alone then so be it. Its funny how in one weekend i can go from being on such a high to sinking so low but hey as Frank Sinatra sung THATS LIFE (one of my favourite songs).

tags: love, hurt, depression, life, bored.com