Nothing really to say things haven't changed at all was suppose to be in hospital to see doctors today but had to cancel it. The weekend was like it has been for sometime now ie have a few bottles of wine on a friday and saturday night and show myself up on facebook. I cant stress how much its doing my head in being stuck in and not being able to do jobs or go for a walk without being in lots of pain, i need so much to get active again.
I had a visit from my younger brother yesterday which was lovely because i've not seen him for some time, i also had a visit from a friend, both these people have to spend there lives looking after children that requires special needs and it really hits home how small my problems in life are and makes me feel i should not go on about my problems because they are nothing. I suppose for me by doing what i do ie typing this stuff and doing the FB thing it just makes me feel iam not alone and theres someone to waffle on to. The second and most important reason is if anyone has the same thing ie heart attack or stent ect they may not feel so strange after going through the same feelings and emotions after seeing how it effected myself, i suppose its aimed more at those that are alone as ive found it difficult to talk to others about it and no one really will understand the fears and how it effects you mentally as well as physically unless you have been or going through it all.
tags: stent, heart attack, heart rehab, bored, drink, alone,
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Thursday, 19 May 2011
5th Stress control class 19/05/11
Just been to stress control tonight and it was best one yet, i do believe in Karma and things happen for a reason not just for the hell of it, things have actually happened to me in my life since i decided to try an become a better person abt 7 years ago. Iam not going in to all that but over the last 6 days ive been worried on how to approach something that mans a lot to me and tonight during the class they helped me with my problem without even knowing, i just learn to let things happen now an dont question how why what where an when. Be ok with people and they will be ok with you look after people and people will look after you but never ask or do anything selfish or for your own gain then life just seems to work its own answers out. One of thebest books i would recomend anyone to read even though its not fact is The Celestine prophecy and you may have a small clue what i believe in, by the way i thought the film was crap, unlike me right now :)
tags: celestine prophecy, happy as a pig in shit, :)
tags: celestine prophecy, happy as a pig in shit, :)
Up an down an round an round
As this is first full week back on half days iam still trying to get use to early nights and getting up earlier than normal. Works been great an its good to be back, still cant walk far at mo but hope its gradually getting better, at least anyone who is gona have the op will no roughly how long the pains last, i spoke to the doctor again this week an he said it could be up to 8 weeks which is next week before pains go away. On the bad sise got to wait 3 months before full exercise with weights ect which will be begining of July i just have to let nature take its coarse then go mad.
Couldnt sleep the night before last had a lot on mind so wrongly again turned to the wine to help me last night, my problem at moment is i dont know when to stop, i realy have got to cut down i keep teeling myself to wait now until i get fully fit, but i really souldnt be doing it in the week.
All in all i feel top of the world at the moment tons better than the weekend iam gona blame it as always on the full moon. Regarding the person i spoke to fri eve she has talked to me again which has lifted me more than any tablets could do she makes me feel fantastic but not said a lot so i dont know why i feel like this, the thing that really scares me is that i know i can get that sinking shit feeling just as quick if things go wrong, i know its part of life an you have to get on but i feel ive had my fair share of them shit feeling days an wana stay happy. Ive actually got to a stage where i think about her all day and night and cant wait to see if shes been in touch an feel dead happy if she has an down he she hasnt i really dont like this control she has and the poor girl has done nothing except a few nice kind words.I know its me an i have to control it somehow but unless you in this situation you wouldnt have a clue how hard it is to try and back off someone you have feeling for and the really weird thing is ive not even met her yet and would probally shit it if i ever had to.
There is one more thing going offat the moment but not sure how to go into that i really dont want to while iam feeling this good.
Couldnt sleep the night before last had a lot on mind so wrongly again turned to the wine to help me last night, my problem at moment is i dont know when to stop, i realy have got to cut down i keep teeling myself to wait now until i get fully fit, but i really souldnt be doing it in the week.
All in all i feel top of the world at the moment tons better than the weekend iam gona blame it as always on the full moon. Regarding the person i spoke to fri eve she has talked to me again which has lifted me more than any tablets could do she makes me feel fantastic but not said a lot so i dont know why i feel like this, the thing that really scares me is that i know i can get that sinking shit feeling just as quick if things go wrong, i know its part of life an you have to get on but i feel ive had my fair share of them shit feeling days an wana stay happy. Ive actually got to a stage where i think about her all day and night and cant wait to see if shes been in touch an feel dead happy if she has an down he she hasnt i really dont like this control she has and the poor girl has done nothing except a few nice kind words.I know its me an i have to control it somehow but unless you in this situation you wouldnt have a clue how hard it is to try and back off someone you have feeling for and the really weird thing is ive not even met her yet and would probally shit it if i ever had to.
There is one more thing going offat the moment but not sure how to go into that i really dont want to while iam feeling this good.
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Sun 15/05/11 Page views
On a much brighter note an something that cheered me up was that my page views on sun 15th of may at 11:30 pm is 2,767 i couldnt of dreamed i would ever get that many, still no comments or followers which inicates that people landed on the page by accident but hey who cares they all count xxxx
tags: page views
tags: page views
Building walls pulling them down and putting them back up
Confidence has been knocked out of me this weekend, its all my fault because of how i deal and feel about others i know i should be careful and maybe not open up to the first people i meet or chat to. I would say 90% of my life ive kept myself to myself over time ive put up a brick wall and not let people get close to me or vise versa, iam not sur when this started i think it was when i was very young and when my grandad died who i was very close to and i think i decided after that that if i wasnt close to anyone then i wouldnt get hurt if anything happened to them, very selfish really. Since the heart attack an the shock of the blocked arterys its changed my thinking to be more open chat open a not really give a shit in someways, its not me but it has done me some good not to worry about the small things in life, its like that saying lifes to short ect.
Ive banged on about my heart an exercise also mention about trying to find someone to share a life with, its a strange one really sometimes i want someone and sometimes i think could i really cope with someone and could they cope with me. At the end of the day more than anything i would love someone to chat to share our lifes go out together and cuddle in the evenings, if thats not asking to much. I got chatting to someone fri eve on line who said all the right things (not sex chat) and was dead nice and kind and made me feel on top of the world and a person again, i really did feel young again and the happiest ive been for years. When i found out it was all not it seemed to be really did gut me the next day and just makes me want to build them walls again and cut people out my life.Like i said in the begining it was all my fault for being open and chatting to someone i didnt really know, the shame of it all is i end up trusting no one again and closing the doors to everybody in order to not get hurt and if that means spending the rest of my life alone then so be it. Its funny how in one weekend i can go from being on such a high to sinking so low but hey as Frank Sinatra sung THATS LIFE (one of my favourite songs).
tags: love, hurt, depression, life, bored.com
Ive banged on about my heart an exercise also mention about trying to find someone to share a life with, its a strange one really sometimes i want someone and sometimes i think could i really cope with someone and could they cope with me. At the end of the day more than anything i would love someone to chat to share our lifes go out together and cuddle in the evenings, if thats not asking to much. I got chatting to someone fri eve on line who said all the right things (not sex chat) and was dead nice and kind and made me feel on top of the world and a person again, i really did feel young again and the happiest ive been for years. When i found out it was all not it seemed to be really did gut me the next day and just makes me want to build them walls again and cut people out my life.Like i said in the begining it was all my fault for being open and chatting to someone i didnt really know, the shame of it all is i end up trusting no one again and closing the doors to everybody in order to not get hurt and if that means spending the rest of my life alone then so be it. Its funny how in one weekend i can go from being on such a high to sinking so low but hey as Frank Sinatra sung THATS LIFE (one of my favourite songs).
tags: love, hurt, depression, life, bored.com
Saturday, 14 May 2011
Wkend 14th/15th of May Let myself down again
Gona have to be honest cos thats what this is all about as ive said before its so hard to put stuff when ure low but thats the whole idea, to show an record everything.
Had a rough weekend cos drinking again 3 wine last night an on third tonight, it seems i have to drink to be happy at mo which is so different from last year. Facebook is the only thing keeping me in touch with outside world at mo, iam so glad i wont of to spend my life house bound like so many people this has really done my head in. I cant stress how much i wanna get out an exercise again even walk, but my left groin/thigh is still playing up, ie really painfull. Ireally really want my life back again. The stress control classes on thurs are great but still dont allow me to do something simple as a 20min walk without being in pain. Mentally god knows iam not happy with the drinking but hope it will stop when i can exercise again and be back at work full time. I did a silly thing last night an fell for someone straight away because she said the right things to me, i know iam not mentally an physically ready for a relationship yet or maybe for the next 5 years, but it made me feel great and a kid again, is that wrong.Anyway lifes for living wheres that next bottle. If iam gona be honest i felt great last night an feel really shit tonight maybe full moon tomoz or too much wine who knows
Had a rough weekend cos drinking again 3 wine last night an on third tonight, it seems i have to drink to be happy at mo which is so different from last year. Facebook is the only thing keeping me in touch with outside world at mo, iam so glad i wont of to spend my life house bound like so many people this has really done my head in. I cant stress how much i wanna get out an exercise again even walk, but my left groin/thigh is still playing up, ie really painfull. Ireally really want my life back again. The stress control classes on thurs are great but still dont allow me to do something simple as a 20min walk without being in pain. Mentally god knows iam not happy with the drinking but hope it will stop when i can exercise again and be back at work full time. I did a silly thing last night an fell for someone straight away because she said the right things to me, i know iam not mentally an physically ready for a relationship yet or maybe for the next 5 years, but it made me feel great and a kid again, is that wrong.Anyway lifes for living wheres that next bottle. If iam gona be honest i felt great last night an feel really shit tonight maybe full moon tomoz or too much wine who knows
Sunday 15th may 1:30 am
Started work on half days on thurs was really good to be back at work an talk to people instead of being stuck in this hell hole. Dont give a fuck but let myself down again last night an tonight drinking again.
Monday, 9 May 2011
Sun 8th May Photography workshop at Wollaton Hall with Jemma
Despite me being a fool and drinking the night before i managed to get up ok and go to a photography workshop based at wollaton hall with Jemma, it lasted all day long and we both learnt so much from it, i would recomend anyone that tends to use there brand new shiney camera on auto all the time go to one of these workshops to learn a little more i was very impressed, thanks Andy.
The work shop was run by Andy Wallis Photography
The work shop was run by Andy Wallis Photography
Sat 7th may ok day but let myself down at night with drinking
Had a nice day Saturday took Jemma (my other niece) to drama class at 12pm in Nottingham but as i had to pick her up again at 3pm i thought rather than go home i would nip out to a few shops so ended up in dunelm and B+M looking for bargins apart from a few cat bits didnt buy alot partly cos strapped for cash, iam just glad it wasnt payday i could have come home with so much stuff i didnt really need.
Sat eve was a different mater i decided to cook a curry for the week, i always do this an freeze it because it works out cheaper and only one lot of pots to wash. All was going well until i thought i would open a bottle of wine then a second and the last i remember was being on facebook yet again dedicating songs to my friends after a few glasses of cinzano, what an idiot!!! It wouldnt have been so dad bad i need to be on a course the next day for photography with Jemma, it did go well though. I really have got to stop hitting the wine, i keep thinking the sooner i can get training again the better i will be at self control, i dont like this drinking at weekends it takes too long to recover at my age and so much time gets lost i dont know how people do it everyday. On a positive note i should be starting work this thusday so that will help me no end as i wont be sat in all day doing my own head in.
Sat eve was a different mater i decided to cook a curry for the week, i always do this an freeze it because it works out cheaper and only one lot of pots to wash. All was going well until i thought i would open a bottle of wine then a second and the last i remember was being on facebook yet again dedicating songs to my friends after a few glasses of cinzano, what an idiot!!! It wouldnt have been so dad bad i need to be on a course the next day for photography with Jemma, it did go well though. I really have got to stop hitting the wine, i keep thinking the sooner i can get training again the better i will be at self control, i dont like this drinking at weekends it takes too long to recover at my age and so much time gets lost i dont know how people do it everyday. On a positive note i should be starting work this thusday so that will help me no end as i wont be sat in all day doing my own head in.
Nieces 10th Birthday
Went to my Nieces (Jodie) 10th birhday party on friday thought it was going to go down hill when she slipped and hurt her leg, but she soon cheered up after my brother gave her a scratch card which she won 50 quid on. Had a really nice time its always nice to be around the family.
HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY JODIE with all my love XxX
HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY JODIE with all my love XxX
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Bad Place at mo
Ive not posted anything since 23rd just over a week ago, ive not felt to great in myself i dont know if its the being stuck indoors and not being able to exercise still, even short walks have been painful so ive had to stop them its done my head in especially with the weather being really nice. Im still itching to get back to work get out there and start exercising at the moment iam stuck in and pilling on the weight, i drank a few bottles of wine over the weekend (sat and sun eve) which makes me feel ive let myself down especially after not drinking 5 years before xmas time, i wish i could just get fit and well again.
Ive spoke to the doctors some time ago about the way iam feeling and have managed to get on a six week stress control class which i started last thursday, they concentrated on deep relaxation last week and i would say it helped to be able to get out and speak with people with simalar problems and know iam not on my own.
I really hope i can snap out of this soon, it helps sometimes to share my thoughts on here an facebook i know its not what everyone wants to hear but it has helped me in a small way and takes my mind off other issues. I well aware there are people with far worse problems and i know i sound selfish going on about my stuff but it doesnt stop that dull feeling inside cropping up every now and again something i didnt have during last year when i was getting out exercising and dieting hence why i so badly want to get back there.
tags: depression, stress, feeling low, self help, stress control, dr jim white, bored.com
Ive spoke to the doctors some time ago about the way iam feeling and have managed to get on a six week stress control class which i started last thursday, they concentrated on deep relaxation last week and i would say it helped to be able to get out and speak with people with simalar problems and know iam not on my own.
I really hope i can snap out of this soon, it helps sometimes to share my thoughts on here an facebook i know its not what everyone wants to hear but it has helped me in a small way and takes my mind off other issues. I well aware there are people with far worse problems and i know i sound selfish going on about my stuff but it doesnt stop that dull feeling inside cropping up every now and again something i didnt have during last year when i was getting out exercising and dieting hence why i so badly want to get back there.
tags: depression, stress, feeling low, self help, stress control, dr jim white, bored.com
Osama Bin Laden Dead
The Usa finally caught up with Osama Bin Laden Mon 2nd May in Pakistan and killed him, so the bank holiday started with a lovely Royal Wedding hosted by the British and ended with the death of Bin Laden hosted by the Americans they always try to go one better.
ROYAL WEDDING FRI 29th April
Got to say Congratulations to Kate an William on there wedding last Fri
Thought Kate looked great, then saw her sister
Thought Kate looked great, then saw her sister
tags: royal wedding, kate william wedding
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